Cindy Isn't Here

In the world Alzheimer’s created, I became many women—but somehow, I was always the one he loved.

Frank swears there is another Cindy—one I’ve never met, though she seems to know him well. I don’t recall when she first appeared, but he swears she exists. At first, I was afraid he was forgetting me but then he very clearly said,

“No, the other Cindy Roman.”

“What other Cindy Roman?” I’d ask.

“The other one,” he said. “The one that used to be my student.”

I was the one that used to be his student.

This Cindy seemed to be the Cindy that did things around the house. I’m not sure if he ever saw this Cindy (hallucinated her), or just imagined her but she was very real to him. This Cindy was definitely younger than me but not college aged either. Maybe in her forties—my best guess.

Not only was she real to him but for a time, she actually lived with us…until I put an end to that. This fictional character required a lie every night. Also at times I had to get up and go into the spare room to prove she wasn’t there.

So finally, one day when he asked yet again where Cindy was, I lied. I put an end to her in our home.

“She left,” I said.

“What do you mean she left? Where did she go?” he inquired.

“She moved in with her boyfriend.”

“She did? Well, good for her,” he conceded.

And that was the end of the other Cindy, once and for all.

Every once in a while, he’ll ask for her but he seems to have accepted that she’s off making a better life for herself. I’m not sure what role she played in our lives but I do know that he was willing to let her go from our lives.

Now there are other Cindys. Most anyone that serves as a caretaker in his life becomes Cindy. LouAnn, his daytime aide, is Cindy most days. After she leaves, she’s still Cindy to him. The contact on his phone is Cindy, but very often he doesn’t recognize me as that person.

Then there’s the Cindy in Maine and the Cindy in North Jersey. So far, there’s never been an Cindy in South Jersey but there’s time.

At night, especially if he dozes off, he’ll call me thinking he’s in Maine or South Jersey. He tells me how much he misses me and can’t wait to be back with me. Shortly after, I see his silhouette coming down the hallway approaching my bedroom. I used to panic when he approached as I didn’t know who I was supposed to be but moreover, who I was in his reality. Now, I don’t flinch. In his reality, he sees me as the other Cindy that he loves and has come to kiss good night again.

I no longer panic when he comes to my door. In his reality, I am the Cindy he loves.

I am me, and I am his many Cindys.